I feel completely worthless.
I've hated my body since it became a punching bag, and an object of other people's sexual whims.
I feel ugly.
All the time.
But I try really hard to keep other people from feeling that way, or knowing that's how I see myself.
That's fucking depressing.
I wanna look at myself and say, really? Seriously? Can't you stop being a god-damn sissy and snap the fuck out of it? Shit, what a god-damn wuss reaction. Way to go, letting other people's actions control your life.
But that bugs another part of me as I didn't let anyone do this to me. They did this to me because I couldn't control it or stop them. My reactions and feelings are not my fault.
What's funny is that if you met me in person and didn't know how depressed I really am, and how horrible I feel and how screwed up I am and how I've screwed up my life? You'd never in a million years guess it. Because I present to the world as confident, and yes seriously- cheery. I get complimented on that a lot. Especially at my hell day job.
Oh, and if you haven't figured it out- I have zero confidence. Absolutely zero. I think my confidence vanished.
